Last Sunday, my neighbor did a generous thing for me, and it made me think about the messages we get at this time of year. Right now, we're hearing lots about the importance of giving.
With all the giving going around, there have to be recipients. How does that work? What does it mean to receive something from someone else? What does any of this have to do with yoga? We'll talk about it.
The context and the boon
I’m learning to sew because I think I can use the skill as a vehicle for seva (selfless service), and I’ve always admired people who can sew. (Shout out to Nancy, a professional sewist in our Union Yoga community!) My neighbor is a sewing nerd. She makes beautiful things.
I’ve been saving to buy a good sewing machine for a while. My neighbor is aware of this situation, and last weekend she gave me a small machine to borrow (and if I like it, it’s available at a price I can afford). She invited me to her house to see the thing, she taught me how to use it, and she loaded me up with all sorts of handy tools and fabric. It was all really kind and beyond what I was expecting.
I was so overwhelmed by the generosity of my friend. The price of the machine was so far below retail value and she was sending me away with all those extra bits and bobs. And then I thought, What have I contributed to this relationship to deserve this? Surely I must give her more money than she’s asked. I need to do something more. Like a lot of people, I don’t know what to do when the Universe grants me a boon.
The next day my neighbor called me. Seemingly out of nowhere, she said, You know everyone says this is the season of giving, but we need people to receive things too. Thus, my message to you was born.
The open-heartedness of receiving
If there’s one thing we all know about yoga, it’s that balance is paramount. Any way you slice this yogic way of life, there has to be a yin and yang. There's no magic in a season of giving without people willing to accept the gifts.
How many of you have a hard time taking a compliment? That's just a basic thing that people give and receive, and yet, I've seen many-a true compliments send recipients into full-on compliment-deflection mode. Sometimes it's verbal. The recipient brushes off the words as if they mean nothing. Other times, you'll see (or experience for yourself) the feeling of shrinking inward. It's almost like we're trying to shield ourselves from kindness.
People who identify as helpers and carers have a harder time with this, I think. We worry about puffing up our ego or taking energy away from something else.
I also think it's a vulnerability thing. What would happen if we allowed the compliment to light us up?
It’s relational…not transactional
After some svadhyaya (self-reflection), I realized my reluctance to receive kindness was, in part, a reflection of how I value (or de-value) myself. I felt the urge to turn my neighbor’s kind act into a financial transaction because I didn’t think that I was worthy. I wonder if others have similarly conflated their eligibility as a recipient of kindness with their self-worth.
It also felt safe to revert to a pattern that strips connection. We go to the store and trade in our green energy ($) for goods. We’re not beholden to Sprouts after we pay for our groceries. That's safe for our hearts. It's all out there on the table. That green pepper is $0.74. End of discussion.
That wasn’t what was being offered here, though. My friend made it very clear that she has reached a point in her life in which she has talents, skills, and stuff that she can share and wants to share. She didn't want more money.
Let's walk
When you were a kid, did you ever ask someone outright to be your friend? I’m learning that grown-ups don’t do that. They’ll just start applying their effort and energy to make your life a little easier, and if you’re open to receiving that energy, you can use it to walk each other home. When you receive something, you're saying, Sure, I want to walk with you.
If you aren't willing to receive what is offered, then the flow of energy stops. Sometimes this is a good thing. We all know about things like ulterior motives, and in that case, not receiving the “gift” is a way to create a barrier between yourself and the situation.
I have seen many examples of self-sabotage, though, in which someone gave from their heart and the potential recipient rejected the kindness out of fear of having a genuine connection. The recipient denied themselves the chance to experience a kind offering because they didn't want to be vulnerable, and they shut down the giver, who had also made themselves vulnerable by offering kindness.
We’re already walking around wearing our roles and titles, but some of us are wearing heavy armor too.
Doing the most good means taking in goodness
By accepting my neighbor’s kindness, I am giving her an opportunity to send her goodness out into the world. This is her practice, and it brings her joy.
Despite my fear of vulnerability and the nagging demon of not-enoughness, I can see this offering for what it is. This is an invitation for continued friendship. There is also a chance for me to do something more because of this boon.
Up until this point, I’ve sewed everything by hand. It is possible to make beautiful and durable things in this way, but it takes a lot of time. With this machine, I can meet my goal of making at least four quilts in 2022 to help veterans and survivors of domestic violence.
By taking in the good, I can absorb that energy and transmute it into objects that bring comfort and express care. I can reflect all that love back into the world in a way I never could have if I had refused the kindness or turned it into a transaction.
How do you feel when you receive things from others? What do you notice about your physical body and thought patterns when someone does something kind for you?